Living and Learning

I've posted the summaries from my book reviews from my study leave this summer, and a couple people have asked for the full review, which I'm glad to share. Now, before we get into the full swing of fall, I want to tell you what it is that God showed me in the three weeks I was studying.

First, God refreshed the fire in my heart for the ministry He's called me to do. I'll spare you the details, but there have been a number of de-motivators in my life over the last several months, and it's been a time of sorting through to make sure I really had heard from God about what I'm supposed to be doing, what the ministry here at First Baptist was supposed to be about, what is supposed to get my attention and what I need to avoid and ignore. Honestly, there's been a lot of struggle with all of that. I've questioned my calling, my gifts, my heart. Other people have questioned my commitment, my character and my integrity. It's been a difficult season.

But in fighting to take a study leave, I've been reminded that the best gift I have to give to God's work at First Baptist is myself. I give myself to this ministry, with all my faults and failings, all my shortcomings and self-doubt, all my gifts and abilities, and everything else. I give that gift because I want to and because God has asked it of me. So if I take time to take care of myself, it's to tend to the gift that God has provided for me to give to His church. It may not make everyone happy that I miss a few Sundays to try to learn and to grow as a person, but it's still the right thing to do.

I guess that it's the biggest lesson of the summer: I can't make everyone happy. I can't make everyone around me all feel good about me, good about church, good about their own life; I can't make anyone feel anything. I am limited in my ability to 'make' people do or feel anything. God has called me to this ministry, and I'm not supposed to surrender that calling to anyone, for any reason. The Holy Discontent book was the start of remembering that it's God's calling in my life to serve, not to make people happy. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team book was the tool God used to show me that the way I've handled my life has made it hard for trust to flourish in the leadership of the church, because I have not handled the conflict that is always a part of any human endeavor with the right spirit, the right tools, or the right timing. The Coaching For Performance book reminded me that with a little patience and some good questions, even people who disagree can be brought on board or at least made to feel like they've been heard. And the final piece that fell into place was the Emotionally Healthy Church book that said, "If you're a Senior Pastor, you need to be emotionally healthy or your church will not be emotionally healthy."

Okay, you put all that together and I hear this message: I've got a lot to work on in my life in terms of learning limits, building better relationships and learning to be vulnerable to people, handling conflict more effectively, creating space in my life to both celebrate and mourn, and taking intentional steps to keep the fire of God's Spirit stoked and burning at the maximum in my life. There are other, smaller pieces as well, but these are the biggies. I am more excited than scared at the prospect of God doing that much 'spiritual surgery' in my life, because I can see the ultimate outcomes being very good for me, for the church and, by extension, for the Kingdom of God. That being said, there's going to be a bunch of pain attached to this. I am not a fan of pain, but I'm looking for the outcome. Like I said on Sunday, looking past the giants to see the grapes.

As much as I'd like to not have all this to learn, it does mean that God is not yet done with me. I like to think that I'm still teachable, that I can still learn a few things and that my heart is not hardened to what God might want to show me next. The people who have stopped learning in life have stopped living, and I want to keep living right up to the end of my life. So here's to the next season of learning, living and all that God has next. Pray for me, I think I'm going to need it.